New Moon Distress...Direction...Gratitude....Belief...
"Look out for the New Moon on December 9, since it's one that is highly likely to stir up restless feelings or produce surprises. Wild and crazy Uranus forms a tense 90-degree square to this Sun-Moon conjunction to produce shockwaves in your life." (Jeff Jawer)
This is a line from a horoscope I read yesterday that helped to put Sunday in perspective. I totally flipped on Sunday, the day of a new moon in Sagitarrius, and could not seem to get a handle on the emotions. Now, I take *full* responsibility for the bubbles I drank on my birthday - Friday night. I deeply enjoyed the birthday party at my friend Able's as it was a delight to be surrounded by lovely, loving, creative individuals, especially in heavy times. And Saturday night, we had to drive back a hella late from Wilmington, so I got little sleep b/c i wanted to be able to support Scott's late night driving. So, admittedly, I was exhausted. But the intensity was overwhelming. Unfortunately, when its that bad - luckily its not too often - I neglect to hoop b/c I have too much mental shit to *focus on* and *figure out.* (AS IF...It's all just a ride anyways so let go or strap in and breathe, right...)
I have been feeling intense emotions over a slew of things in the past months. My personal life is, in general & even sometimes guilt-fully, good, though busy. (Especially hectic when compared to the year before when I lived between the woods in Saxapahaw and Pickards mountain - hooping, drumming, walking, being in love with Scott, nature and the hoop while being without a computer in my home to really reach out to create "work opportunities" or spend x # of hours a day absorbing ridiculous amounts of computer energy.) I've been blessed to experience a lot of wonderful things things this year and been pushed to new dimensions in my spiraling hoop life. But I have also lost friends -seemingly because of hoop related issues - which feels strange, complicated and sad. On top of those two opposing emotions - of loss and gain, sadness and excitement- I have also been watching a lot of films, mostly documentaries, which leave me confronted with intense social/political/economic issues. I feel like a lot of the other aspects of my life - both good and bad - are put in perspective by some horrifying global realities. This all culminated in pretty intense anger, sadness and frustration on Sunday. I woke up crying, feeling like I had to change some MAJOR things in "my" world..
A few days earlier, while pondering questions of "how/where to focus my energy," a soap stone carving from haiti fell off the wall and hit me on the upper back...What the f**k? Surely coulda killed me if it got me in the cranium! The carving, a woman's head whose crown is beautified with a spiral, my favorite piece of artwork I've brought back from Haiti, represents both a goddess of hoopdance and my memories of and relationships with the Haitian people. "What does THAT mean?" I wondered amidst a heavy holiday hoop crafting session...A friend simply suggested to "pay attention" because there should be some resolution or revelation around the curve.
Poor Scott was thrown for a loop when I couldn't shake the "un-rest" possessed by a strong "dis-ease" on this mysteriously maddening morning. We looked for new places to live (and we may be moving from our sweet but TINY cottage really soon), and I continued to process all the reasons why life was total poop. At the time, and still to some degree, I feel totally confused about what's truly important. I am genuinely, deeply grateful for the past year, the individuals I've connected from around the planet along with every breath. Doors to teaching and intriguing hooportunities keep presenting themselves. Amazingly, for the first time in over 6 years, I am supported (though by incredibly meager and varying income) by my passion and years of work in the realm of hooping. The work is continuing and varied, so that's a blessing. I have a hoop class for tiny ones (ages 4-5), an afterschool class at a nearby middle school, adult classes, a struggling mom & me class, hoop sales, workshops and unpredictable performances. They all come together to "get by". How freaking lucky is that? When I was in Haiti, I remember feeling that I should feel grateful for *AnY* work opportunity in the world as most folks wanted, but had no way to make money. The fact that I LIKE my work, is HUGE. A rare gift from the Universe....I bow in gratitude to the guides on this 'one turn' (literal translation of uni-verse I recently read.) Even if it only works for another week, it's been a wonderful learning experience that I am eternally grateful for. So, given this blessing, which way do I steer?
what else is important???
After watching a series of documentaries including The Future of Food, Maxed Out, An Inconvenient Truth, Born into Brothels, to name a few, and then a film called Zeitgeist (you gotta see this streaming video at www.zeitgeistmovie.com just to consider the ideas presented), reading news about Iran, some youtube videos from Iraq and reading the hateful comments posted there.....I felt a bit hopeless...A similar feeling fueled my hoop passion in Oct of 2001. As I hooped more and more, i began to realize I had some power to positively affect others through sharing the experience of this movement. I have invested so much time and energy to cultivating a practice and imagining how it will positively affect the world through its healing bliss for individuals and its profound power for communion with others in divine joy. It seems clear that I have a distance yet to go on this hoop journey, but I'm wondering how to fine tune my focus a bit so I'm investing sustainable energy in the "right" direction that will make my heart sing, while aligning all my actions with my thoughts and beliefs.
"What does that mean?" you may ask...Well, I'm not exactly sure yet, but the questions are out there and I have some beliefs to guide me...
*I believe the Hoop Convergence is a great step for continued learning, sharing, community building and envisioning a r-evolved world where love of the simple but profoundly beautiful joy simultaneously decreases the desire for excess & acceptance of waste AND increases empathetic understanding and peace through blessed feeling of oneness. I believe this is a very worthwhile project that will require a lot of attention.
*I believe the seeds planted for collaborative projects with Ali & Caroleeena as "A Full Circle" and Scott as "HoopDrum" should be nurtured as we are exponentially stronger in community. We are able to learn, share, laugh, and support one another. I love the increased energy and inspiration of collaboration and friendship.
*I believe the middle school I work with has offered a great opportunity to connect with a lot of kids in a group and one on one that, I think, needed a moment or guidance in the hoop. I believe this work is important and desire to facilitate more experiences like this- hoping to inspire creativity, movement, confidence, playfulness and respect for one another through various play and potentially school assemblies.
*I believe sharing films and information and increasing dialogue is a good place to start so that feel responsible, able to respond, to the calls of people and creatures around the world who need attention.
*I believe my Haiti vision is going to be put off until after Hoop Convergence, but is still on the horizon. This feels right. We'll see if the Haitian Goddess smacks me in the head...
I believe working with adult women is challenging and inspiring me to learn more about the bodymind, various forms of movement, sacred dance and women's history that I would like to continue.
*I believe I need to keep up my practice, especially in times of distress, to retain sanity.
*I believe that it is possible to have joy and be a revolutionary.
the picture was posted by a friend here on tribe, Athanatos. He posted this pic on a day when I was feeling pretty upset this past summer. she seemed to express my distress and it turned out that the name of the pic was "julia". Crazy, heh??